Get bent Martians!!!
— Ninjasr 2020/03/31 17:41

Aldnoah.Zero is a mecha Anime about martian colonists invading the earth. The premise is more interesting than that though.
The martians are actually humans, who gained independence after discovering ancient alien tech on Mars. They used this tech to create reality-bending weapons and vehicles, making them the most technologically advanced civilization in the known universe. The villains are near-invincible war-obsessed maniacs hell-bent on killing every Terran they can find. In comparison, the Terrans are running around in garbage mechs… fighting with conventional weaponry.
The stupid martians, however, are all moronic bastards. No matter how much they try, they will never surpass the might and glory of the children of Terra.
If it seems like I’m rambling a bit about something that doesn’t fucking matter then I don’t apologise, just read a different article.

The review following this review is one I made before re-watching the show. It was about a year after I had seen it, so the things I said aren’t completely accurate. My opinions have also changed.
The first season is good. Music is good, characters are good, animation is good… well most of it is good. Sometimes the insert songs were poorly timed and the Martians continue to be idiots. The CG animation was also kind of weird.
I was expecting to hate the asspull at the beginning of the second season, where the entire finale is essentially undone. To my surprise, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. But it’s still bad.
I was expecting the Martians to have learned from their mistakes, but it looks like they haven’t… at least not in the early episodes. They haven’t, they need a fucking Terran to make them competent!
The second season, ignoring the asspull, is a significant improvement over the first. The music is way better. The characters are a slight improvement. A polish man joins the fight, which is always a good sign. I care for the story, it’s fine. We also get to see the Moon, it’s awesome.
Both seasons are worth watching in my opinion, a definite good show. The asspull may make some viewers mad, but it’s still good.
The MC isn’t a mary sue like I previously assessed, but he is a fucking badass. The second season makes his situation a bit worse, in that he’s more of a mary sue.

It isn’t terrible, on the contrary it’s pretty good. The first season that is.
The second season of the show seems to forget the first exists, or at least how it ends and the characterization of one of the characters.
Or at least that’s what I’ve heard, I didn’t bother to watch the second one yet.
The show has some pretty rad Worldbuilding; the Aldnoah stuff is kind of cool and the way Martian society works is equally interesting.
But the MC is a bit of a mary sue, let’s all be honest. In fact, most of the main characters (among the Terrans) are rather too lucky. I’ve read many people defending these points and the weird thing about these defenses is that they do make a bit of sense.

The MC, doesn’t give a fuck.
Full name: Inaho Kaizuka
In the second season he has a goddamn robotic eye that lets him do things thought impossible but he does voluntarily get rid of it in the epilogue.
He can be considered one of the most important soldiers the Terrans have; mostly due to his knowledge regarding physics. The eye makes him even more badass. He’s basically an unstoppable force by the end of the series.

Full name: Princess Asseylum Vers Allusia.
The second youngest(?) member of the martian imperial family. The princess is quite possibly the only good Martian that exists. It’s because she voluntarily joined the Terrans to fight the Moonians. One of the Orbital Knights attempted to assassinate her to instigate a war between the Martians and the Terrans, he failed but war occurred anyway.
Is a nice person, although a bit naive. By the end of the show, she has a more realistic outlook.

She shares my love for grenade launchers.

Terran who, together with his father, defected to mars for whatever reason¹⁾.
Is in love with Princess Asseylum.
He’s in a pretty shitty situation from the beginning. Being a Terran among Martians (who hate Terrans)made his life less than easy. Goes from staying with Count Cruhteo to staying with Count Saazbaum for reasons regarding the latter murdering the former. Gets pretty fucking pissed when Saazbaum shoots the princess so he pledges his allegiance to him? And then fucking murders him after Saazbaum adopts him, as a result he inherits all of Saazbaum’s things and becomes the leader of the Martian invasion.
When you actually think about it, Slaine was fucking insane.
His story ends when Inaho captures him. So he gets imprisoned and blamed for everything. The media think he was executed. Kinda sad, but he dug his own grave.

Full name: Inko Amifumi
Inaho’s classmate

Full name: Okisuke Mikuni

Full name: Yuki Kaizuka
Inaho’s older sister who, unlike him, does give a fuck.

Full name: Koichiro Marito
Unrelated to a certain jumping man. Has PTSD.
Is one of the few Terrans who regard the Martians as a genuine threat. Also happens to be one of the, even fewer, survivors of the first Vers-Terran war. Gets over his PTSD by the second season.

Full name:Nina Klein
Doesn’t do much early on. Gets a more prominent role in the second season.

An ironic name.
Full name: Calm Craftsman. Jesus, with a name like that… he could be a mechanic!
Helps Inaho and Inko in the earlier episodes. After getting on the Deucalion or the other ship? he gets reassigned as an engineer/mechanic. Fairly nice guy.
Repeats the “all Martians must die” philosophy until he meets Princess Asseylum at which point he changes his mind²⁾.

Full name: Rayet Areash

While he looks like just another Count. Saazbaum is quite possibly the smartest Martian to exist. Every successful operation^3;4) undertaken by the Martians was done by this guy.
Can be considered the de-facto leader of the Orbital Knights. Until Slaine slays the bastard

I wonder what county he’s in charge of. He’s a bit racist, but why he’s racist isn’t known.
He’s in the show from the very beginning, then he fucking dies. He gets killed by Saazbaum after learning of the princess’ aliveness. Personally, I would’ve found it more interesting if he lived. We’d watch him go from racist to not-racist, or at least significantly less racist. Him losing the Aldnoah powers could be justified easily. or with an asspull I wrote too soon, there’s precedent in the show for this →. “Getting knocked unconscious made him lose the power of Aldnoah.” Then we’d watch him drag what’s left of his forces to Russia or wherever else to aid the Terrans in fighting the Orbital Knights.
If no-one else will step up to write this, I will.

Arguably the most important character of the franchise. Could single-handedly beat dozens of martian warriors. Slept with martian woman, not because he enjoyed it, but because he could.
A legend among legends, Mustang 33 stands as the most important soldier the united forces of earth have.
Like with most of the characters, he survived the season 1 finale

A mysterious technology left behind by a long dead alien race.

The people of Vers are referred to as Martians, Kaseijin, Vers citizens, Versions and so forth.

The Holy Empire of Vers is an empire located on Mars, they control the entire planet. The society is an absolute feudal monarchy.
Along with Mars, they “own” what’s left of the Moon after it exploded. This territory is owned by the Orbital Knights, who stayed on the Moon because they couldn’t get home.
Martians have excellent opening moves, but suck at adaptability and overall suck at fighting without their precious Aldnoah⁵⁾.
There’s also something… off about how quickly the empire established itself and diverged so radically from the Terrans.

Those associated with the knights tend to be referred to as Martians, Kaseijin, Vers citizens, Moonians, Orbital Knightsians, Orbitals, Knightsians or are simply referred to by their clan name, such as Cruhteons or Saazbaums.

The orbital knights are, in theory, loyal to the Vers imperial family. In practice they don’t give a shit about Vers.
They’re split into 37 clans who barely get along and prior to the series frequently fought(?).
Even after the princess’ assassination was proven to have failed the knights still refuse to stop fighting the Terrans. Although honestly, it’s not like the Empire could actually do anything about it. They were tricked⁶⁾, it’s a bit more understandable after you know that.

Note: If it seems like this section is just a list of moronic things the Martians have done… you’d be correct! Originally it included my theory on why they were morons. That theory is severely out-of-date since I’ve rewatched the show. Most of these were notes I wrote while watching. It will be more cohesive at some point and after that I’ll propose a new (or the same) theory with more up-to-date references.

The initial part of the invasion was a strategic masterpiece. The Martians really fucking outdid themselves with that one.
First, the landing castles cleared away everything on the ground. Essentially nuking the area.
Second, they deployed missiles that destroyed all forms of communication, rendering the Terrans completely helpless.
Third, they destroyed all planes flying in the air. For the Americans who rely on air support so very much, this is a death sentence.
Fourth, they deployed their Kataphrakts to destroy the opposing terran ones. Useful because at this point the Terrans don’t know what they’re up against.

Everything beyond this point is a fucking joke though.

Trillram and his Kataphrakt.

A martian finally realising his natural stupidity.

The fucker was deployed on his own with a single flying thing as his air support⁷⁾. For his own amusement he chased a group of Terran civilians⁸⁾. Fucking Kaseijins.
His defeat was pretty hilarious, and a beautiful sight for all Terrans.

Next we have Vlad and his Kataphrakt.
Unlike Trillram, who had one aerial support vehicle… Vlad had no air support. An interesting strategic decision.
On top of that is the way this one fought, a fucking plasma katana? Are you fucking having a laugh? At least it’s better than having nothing like that Thrillrem guy.
I won’t bother listing the other knights and their poor decisions, they all make the same mistakes anyway.

The knights also seem to be the kind who “fight for honor”, at least a few of them are. This leads them to make even dumber decisions, such as attacking during an armistice.

Later we see a Count fighting on the front lines. This is really stupid, not just because that Martian is the commanding officer but also because of how Aldnoah works. They do realise, that if they die… everything used by their clan stops working? It’s hard to believe they don’t know this. Maybe they think they’re invincible? Probably. Predictably, that Martian dies and whatever clan they ruled is probably dead.

The dastardly Aldnoah addicts developed anti-gravity towels! Such a heinous crime can not go unpunished.

The fuckers have so much faith in other Martians that they don’t question what they’re told. Why does Cruhteo not try to figure out why Slaine used that chamber? Why does the emperor believe Saazbaum without asking him how he knew so much?\\ Such are the mysteries of the Kaseijin.

Over the course of the series the Martians continue making all of these mistakes. Whether it’s moving around without air support or their Counts fighting on the front lines. It’s actually pretty surprising they were able to capture the americas.

What’s most puzzling is that one guy who can fucking replicate himself. The Martians had him the whole time??? What kind of a moron has this ability and doesn’t utilise it??? If they had actually attempted to use him… they could have conquered the entire planet in a matter of days!!!

Over the course of the seriesfirst season, we’re shown that the Martians can’t aim for shit. This implies they don’t know how to train their troops properly.
It seems to have improved since then. In the first one they had problems hitting soldiers very close to them. So something might have changed?
After significant analysis I can confirm the Martians only excel in Kataphrakts and opening battles. By the second season they had lost their Kataphrakt advantage as the Terrans became cleverer and more adaptable, they then regained it after cooperating… only to lose it almost immediately because of Inaho and his godlike eye. The Kaseijin were fucked the moment he showed up.
Their Kataphrakt advantage only exists because of their technological supremacy. If you pay attention, you’ll notice they don’t utilise their Kataphrakts as much as they could.
The battles in space only make their inferior training more obvious; in space, they’re evenly matched with the Terrans⁹⁾.

Isn’t it strange that despite having reality-bending tech that can do whatever the hell you want it to do, the general Martian populous lives in poverty? I think it’s pretty clear that the Knights are incompetent leaders, or they’re operating on North Korea logic. Either works.
It shows that the Kaseijin are just incompetent bastards who need the Terrans to do everything for them.

What did the Terrans do with their first Aldnoah drive? They built a battleship. Far more practical than what the Kaseijin came up with.

I can imagine that after the second invasion of Earth ends in failure the Martian military will be completely devastated, they’ll spend ages rebuilding and then ages getting to Earth… only to find the Terrans are even more prepared than before. That isn’t exactly what ended up happening…

• I think I heard SAO sound effects in the show. Not surprising since it’s made by A1 Pictures.
• Rumour has it, the martians eat children.
• I’ve started to come up with a number of terms to describe Martians.
  • One day in the far future, I may be reviled as an anti-Martian racist. If that does happen, it would make me laugh.